Black Hole

Lately, I have been really struggling with life. There's so many things that are just overwhelming or infuriating or mind-blowingly frustrating and I have an absurdly short fuse. With everyone. About everything.

I think about going on strike. Perhaps that will make others see me and the things that I do, only once they do not get done of course. But then I realize that were I not to do these things, it would probably bother me before it would bother anyone else. And then there'd be a boatload of stuff to do all at once and it would pile upon me like an avalanche and smother any last bit of sanity remaining.

I am tired of being invisible.

I am tired of being ignored.

I am tired of demands.

I am tired of obligations.

I am tired of expectations.

I am tired of fighting.

I am tired of correcting.

I am tired of serving.

I am tired of trying to stay calm.

I am tired of losing my temper.

I am tired of everything.

Sometimes, I feel like this must be how God feels about this mess of humanity and how we treat (or don't treat) Him. But that would be assigning a limit to God and His grace, His compassion, His mercy, His love, and His goodness. Boy, wouldn't He be justified in His feeling every single thing on this list. Forget with all of humanity...I alone can elicit all of these without adding six billion other imperfect, selfish beings into the mix.

I sometimes look at myself, my behaviors, my neuroses and psychoses, my reactions and overreactions, and I just marvel at how I am still here. God is so much kinder, so much greater, so much gentler than I. Were it my little Chickadee or Mockingbird behaving like this, I can only imagine the wrath I would be heaping upon them.

Maybe He's trying to call to me through this less than beautiful time in my life. Maybe He's trying to pull me closer to Him when I feel more alone and more worthless than ever before. Maybe He's trying to tell me how much He thinks I am worth.

Maybe I should start listening to Him, instead of listening to the noise around me.

Prautes or Epieikes?

I'm ready to get down to business with my new project. Let's get it on, let's rock this studying, journaling, meditating and devotionaling. Yeah, I just made that word up. Expect it to be among the new words in the OED in a couple of years. Just remember, you saw it here first.

With a renewed sense of determination and conviction, I sit at the computer with pen, paper, and Bible in hand. Flipping to a short list of verses pertaining to the One Word, James 3:13 for some reason stands out. "Perfect," I think to myself. "Let me see what James has to say. I love James. He is so blunt and there's so much meat to his short little book." Turning in my trusty Bible, the one I got early in my walk with Jesus, I find the verse:

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

Huh. Where's the gentleness? It's not there. Or is it?

So I do something which is totally out of character for me. I look to find what the original word in its original language was. [I have never really done this before, which is ironic given my love of languages, but I am nothing if not a paradoxical creature.] First, I mistakenly assume that James wrote his epistle in Hebrew, and find the Hebrew word for gentleness. Suddenly, it dawns on me that he may not have written in Hebrew, but perhaps Greek. So a quick search confirms that I need to find the Greek word in this verse.

Prautes

What is that? A little more digging, and I discover that the word I have chose to work on, to use to draw nearer to God, the upon which to meditate and center my life over the next year, this word I have spent such time praying to appear, agonizing over its rightness in my life and in God's vision, this word of words.  All I can say is that I had a Princess Bride moment.

That's right folks, the word prautes doesn't actually have a direct English equivalent. So it doesn't actually mean gentleness. It's nearest approximation is gentleness. Apparently, it is some sort of untranslatable metaphysical state, much like umami of Japanese, ennui of French, saudade of Portuguese. William Barclay writes that it is "the quality of the person whose feelings and emotions are under perfect control." An ancient Greek philosopher, Andronicus Rhodius says it may be defined as " serenity and the power, not to be led away by emotion, but to control emotion as right reason dictates." Cue the Marty McFly moment.

What do I do? I go to my key verse for the project to find out what its original Greek says. 

Epieikes

So what does it mean anyway? According to Strong's Concordance, it is equitable, yielding, gentle, mild, forbearing, reasonable or moderate. I'm not entirely sure that I like the sound of this any better. I do the next most logical thing. I look up what exactly all the dictionaries around the interwebs say that gentleness  actually means.

Amiable. Not severe, rough, or violent. Moderate. Gradual. Respectable. Mildness of disposition.

So I guess epieikes does fit after all. I think that's the kind of gentleness I was after when I selected this word and began this quest. Perhaps I'll file away prautes for another year when I'm feeling a little more ambitious. Although I must say, I really do love the term and the idea of achieving that perfect balance. That precise mental state of being where you can unleash some righteous indignation on the wicked, to be so in control of one's own emotions that the right reasons dictate the appropriate emotional response in lieu of being controlled by one's emotions. To flip the tables in the Temple, or remain calm and silent in face of false accusations and ridicule.

Perhaps I do want that kind of gentleness after all. 

And the Winner Is...

Gentleness. The quality or state of being gentle, well-born, mild, benevolent, docile, etc; gentility; softness of manners, disposition, etc.; mildness.

So, why did I pick this word?

Well, to make a long story short, I have a horrendously awful temper. There's weeping and gnashing of teeth, hell-fire and brimstone, the works. To go along with such an awesomely desirable character trait </sarcasm font/> I spent my formative years in the northeast, where obscenities are an art-form.

I've worked very hard over the years to try to clean up my mouth, reign in the temper, and put away the boxing gloves. I fought the good fight, and thought I had really grown and conquered my demons. Little did I know, it was just like the enemy himself. He was laying in wait, making sure to pounce at my weakest moment and coming back worse than before.

Once my oldest child hit the magical age of 3, all metaphorical hell broke loose. With a threenaged drama queen and a newly mobile mischief-filled little fella, life got crazy, sleep got short, and patience was in short supply. So instead of falling back onto my faith or the tips and tricks that helped in the past, the past reared its giant, ugly, nasty, harsh, hateful head. And directed it at pretty much everyone nearby, particularly my kids.

My little Chickadee has been struggling lately at school. She's a brilliant child, and doing exceptional work in her class, but her behavior has been abysmal. The biggest problem is that she is expressing herself, well, just like I do. She's lashing out, pushing, hitting, kicking, the works. Recently, she horse-collared a classmate on the playground and it was not a pretty sight. Circulation was cut off, faces were turning blue, screams were curdling blood--not just typical kid stuff, but major issues here.

I realized that I speak so harshly, particularly to her, and that she probably doesn't hear me speak gently, lovingly, softly, or kindly very often. She is mimicking my behavior patterns, my speech patterns, and my impulsiveness. These are not things that I want for her. I want her to be a loving, gentle, sweet spirited child, not a harsh, bitter, grouchy and mean kid like I was. Like the adult I have become.

So I felt the need to focus on God's gentleness and humble spirit during this year. To focus on being gentle, and responding with gentleness, humility, meekness and love instead of rage and wrath. Gentle and Gentleness are all over the Bible. I've found a number of great versus to meditate on and infuse into my daily routine to try to keep me centered on God's truth.

Philippians 4:5 "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

1 Corinthians 4:21 "Shall I come at you with a rod, or in love with a spirit of gentleness?"

Proverbs 15:4 "A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit."

Colossians 3:12 "Therefore, as God's chosen people, hold and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."

1 Timothy 6:11 "But you, man of God, flee from all this and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness."

1 Peter 3:15 "But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."

James 3:13 "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by his good conduct that his deeds are done in gentleness of wisdom."

What if I Choose the WRONG One Word?

It is so difficult to select just one word which will serve as my year-long focus! Naming this focus feels akin to naming a child!

What if I pick the wrong thing and this year's events really grow me in a whole different area and take me in a whole different direction?

So what? What if? Does it really matter if my growth isn't the way I expect it? Does it matter if my word ends up meaning something different in the end? If the definition changes? If I meant it as the first-listed definition from the dictionary, but it ends up being the fourth?

Not at all.

In fact, I suspect regardless of my One Word and my vision of my year and growth process, it will not go according to my plan or desire. Rather, I pray that it will not. Because my way has been proven to be quite lousy! Especially when compared to God's way! His vision is so much greater, His wisdom perfect. And He knows where He wants me, when, how, and why. And He knows what is going to happen this year. He knows the events ahead of me, and He knows what tools I will need in order to handle the situation. He knows where He is taking me, and He knows what He wants to teach me before I get there. I just have to follow His lead.

Besides, I imagine if I pick the "wrong" word, God will let me know. First with His loving, gentle nudges. Then with giant arrows. And, when if necessary, with rude awakenings. Definitely rude awakenings. I'm a heavy sleeper. It can take a lot to get my attention.

I am so oddly excited and energized at the challenge of having one singular focus for an entire year. God has something tremendous in store for me. All I have to do is follow His lead. No matter where this path takes me, it will be transformative!

What are Your Honest Feelings and Thoughts About Your Ability to Change?

Wow. Huh. Honest? Hmm. Not sure where to even start!! I suppose of primary import is the mental/spiritual/emotional type of change, not the physical. So in that regard, OH have I changed!

I once was a scrooge. I was greedy and stingy. I saved my money--and conveniently left it at home when I went shopping. It was at my very core to keep that money (and the power and freedom that went along with it) close and safe. Not that saving, thriftiness and prudence are bad things! But when it prevents a generous spirit, when it becomes an idol, when it strips you down and prevents you from becoming reliant and faithful to God--then we have a problem.

And I did.

I was never "taught" to tithe. My parents practiced (and still do) immense generosity to both their children and extended families. But they did so discreetly. It wasn't until after I was married that I even learned that they regularly gave support to family members in need. They have worked hard, planned well, saved well. And some in our family have not been able to; the cards they were dealt, well, they weren't a royal flush. More like a royal flush down the toilet.

I wish I had known of my parents' generosity, love, and loyalty sooner. We didn't go to church, so there was no formal tithing to witness. I believe they used/still use their financial assistance to family as their own mechanism of tithing. They weren't giving to God, but they were helping widows and orphans as He commanded.

But, I didn't know. So when I became a believer, I had no clue how to be generous. It was against my very nature. I don't think I ever even wanted to become more generous. I certainly don't remember making a conscious decision to give more freely or trying to force that change. But somehow, somewhere along the way, God has changed my nature. He has taken my gut reactions, like saying no to all donation requests, keeping all of my income for myself, and spending as little as possible. And He has transformed them into a generous more generous spirit.

That's not to say there aren't still times when my old greed doesn't resurface.

Whew...more than a little off topic!!

I guess what this all says is that I didn't initiate the change. He did. The changes in my life which I have initiated have either failed or regressed with time. The change that God has initiated through my faith and relationship with Him have stuck. And they weren't even intentional!

Imagine what I can do with being intentional in following heart-level changes that He initiates!!

God leads this process. He drives the Transformation Train. I have to surrender myself to Him. I have to let go and let Him do His work in me.

Retreat!

It's always fun to get away from reality for a little while. Particularly when that reality is filled with being a busy CEO, COO, and CFO. So, I was very excited to have a chance to get away from all the every day trials and drama. Even if it was for just a brief time.

I have a mixed history with retreats. Back in college, when my campus ministry would have our Fall Retreat, I often did anything but relax or take it easy. I would often stay up all night long. Literally, would never even make it to my cabin. I was too busy playing games with friends, enjoying the stars, bonding, chatting, and goofing around. Or on our Spring Retreat, I would spend more time shopping and sleeping than attending sessions and enriching my spiritual life.

Obviously, the older me has learned how I squandered those opportunities for renewal and refocus. And although I always try to bond and enjoy some fun, I try to be a little more balanced and I always try to enhance and improve myself. How can you not embrace some time here?

I challenged myself to go outside of my comfort zone. I took an art class. I haven't painted since middle school art, but I enjoyed myself and didn't hate the finished product.

I allowed myself a little adventure. I went down a zip-line for the first time ever. And the second. And the third. Check one of the bucket list with that!

Most importantly, I embraced the spiritual challenge of our guest speaker. Our topic for the weekend was to think of one word.

Well, that doesn't sound too hard Red Bird. One word? You've just come up with a hundred. What's the problem?

This one word isn't just any old word. It has meaning. It has purpose. It has intent. It has power.

Still not sure I'm following you Red Bird.

Instead of resolving to change forty-five aspects of our lives with New Years' Resolutions and the like, we're joining the My One Word movement. We are selecting a solitary word to use as our focus for the year. As an area in which we will grow and change and transform. It is a vehicle for us to ride in with God for our year. It is a lens for which to view our triumphs and tragedies.

One. Single. Word.

A lot of words came to mind, for a lot of reasons. Here are a few on my short list and a brief description of why I felt led to consider them.

PEACE:  To be at peace with myself and who I am as a child of Christ.
GENTLENESS:  To soften my tone and demeanor, with others and myself, both verbally and physically.
YIELDING: Giving over power and control to Jesus, and to others, not always insisting that my way is best.
INTENTIONAL:  To be purposeful in word and deed, not to meander, wander or be scattered
ENGAGED:  To connect with my God, my family, and my friends and not retreating within myself.
COURAGEOUS:  To give my worry and fear to God and move in spite of myself.

In addition to the challenge of a single word, I'm trying to overcome my major journaling deficiency. Thus these Chronicles of the Red Bird's One Word.