Black Hole

Lately, I have been really struggling with life. There's so many things that are just overwhelming or infuriating or mind-blowingly frustrating and I have an absurdly short fuse. With everyone. About everything.

I think about going on strike. Perhaps that will make others see me and the things that I do, only once they do not get done of course. But then I realize that were I not to do these things, it would probably bother me before it would bother anyone else. And then there'd be a boatload of stuff to do all at once and it would pile upon me like an avalanche and smother any last bit of sanity remaining.

I am tired of being invisible.

I am tired of being ignored.

I am tired of demands.

I am tired of obligations.

I am tired of expectations.

I am tired of fighting.

I am tired of correcting.

I am tired of serving.

I am tired of trying to stay calm.

I am tired of losing my temper.

I am tired of everything.

Sometimes, I feel like this must be how God feels about this mess of humanity and how we treat (or don't treat) Him. But that would be assigning a limit to God and His grace, His compassion, His mercy, His love, and His goodness. Boy, wouldn't He be justified in His feeling every single thing on this list. Forget with all of humanity...I alone can elicit all of these without adding six billion other imperfect, selfish beings into the mix.

I sometimes look at myself, my behaviors, my neuroses and psychoses, my reactions and overreactions, and I just marvel at how I am still here. God is so much kinder, so much greater, so much gentler than I. Were it my little Chickadee or Mockingbird behaving like this, I can only imagine the wrath I would be heaping upon them.

Maybe He's trying to call to me through this less than beautiful time in my life. Maybe He's trying to pull me closer to Him when I feel more alone and more worthless than ever before. Maybe He's trying to tell me how much He thinks I am worth.

Maybe I should start listening to Him, instead of listening to the noise around me.