New Year, New Word

Once again, I prove that I am a terrible, terrible blogger/journaler. It has been almost an entire year since my last post. So now I find myself trying to figure out my next word. My first year, I focused on what I needed and how I should change. Last year, I tried to focus on His character and what I could learn about Him from focusing on the one aspect of Him. To be honest, I'm not entirely certain that either was the right approach.

First, I was too self-centered. I was focused on me, me, me, and how I could change and what I needed to do. Not that I didn't need to change (let's be real, I still do) but I focused all on me.

Then, I neglected myself entirely. Sounds about right, doesn't it? From one extreme to the other, as the pendulum swings. My body reacts the same way. I overreact one direction and then go the complete opposite under-reaction to attempt to heal and regain equilibrium.

This year, I realize that I need to change my perspective and approach. Yes, I need to select a word that will help me. But I also need to select a word that will help me grow closer to Him and more like Him. My goal should not be to become a more perfect mother, wife, friend, employee, daughter, citizen, or anything else. My goal should be to learn about the character of God, draw nearer to Him, and focus on becoming more like Him. That's my why. That's my motivation. Yes, if successful I will be a better person and that will benefit all with whom I interact. Most importantly, it will help me be more like my Savior.

Perhaps, too, I should be reflecting upon not just the character of God, but also His commands. What does he say about being, doing, or acting a certain way? What does His word reveal to me about how He has created me? How He has designed all of us?

There are a few concepts that have been placed in my mind and I will mull over to select my final word. I am in the early stages of researching corresponding verses.

Mouths
Words.
Tongue.
Quiet.

They are all interconnected, aren't they? A common theme. Ultimately, they do relate back to my previous two themes. Gentleness (because I tend to be very harsh in my words) and Intentional (because I do not always reflect before speaking). Clearly, this collection of words is an area in which I need to focus, because words have great power. Isn't that the thesis of this whole exercise? Words have power. I need to wield them for good. If I can change how I use my words/mouth/tongue, not only can I transform myself but potentially those upon whom my words land.

Paved with Good Intentions

I know, it's been awhile. Shocker, I'm a horrible journaler/blogger.

Right now, I'm still trying to figure out what verse to attach to my One Word this year. During church this morning, my train of thought took me down the rabbit hole and swirled around, and I found myself looking up various synonyms for Intentional on my Bible app. Found lots of stuff. SO much stuff!

Being the scholarly, literal person that I am, I look up intentional to ensure that I'm not like Vizzini and that there isn't some alternate, hidden meaning of which I am unaware.

Guess what. There's not. It's pretty straight forward. Intentional means to be deliberate, or do something on purpose. Not surprising, I use this all of the time with my kids. "Did you hit your sister intentionally or accidentally?" or "How is biting not intentional?"

Synonyms include: purposed, planned, prearranged, calculated, aforethought, and calculated. Now, the latter three have rather menacing connotations to me ("with malice aforethought" etc). But the first three are pretty much spot on what I was expecting.

God is PURPOSED. God is PLANNED. God has PREARRANGED. God is INTENTIONAL.

Intend/intended/intends/intent/intention/intentional/intentionally/intently show up a sporadically in the Bible--46 times total for all 8 variations--but purpose on the other hand shows up 42 times in just that form. When I looked up that word, I found a wealth of verses.

Exodus 9:16 -- But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.
Psalm 57:2 -- I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
Psalm 138:8 -- The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your handsProverbs 19:21 -- Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.Isaiah 55:11 -- so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
Romans 8:28 -- And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Ephesians 3:11 -- This was according to his eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord
2 Timothy 1:9 -- who saved us and called us to[a] a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began
Hebrews 6:17 -- So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath

So much to dwell on with these verses. And so many others to look into still.

Happy New Word!

I know, I know. I am the Queen of Awful Bloggers. I was going to blog about my marvelous one word last year and I was going to finally, FINALLY be successful with a journal. And then April slipped into May, which tumbled into June which somehow transformed in October and then December and now here I sit, in a brand spanking new year.

Officially, I still have a few months left of my year long One Word challenge. But, seeing as I was an epic disaster at that attempt last year, I figure it's better to just start fresh in January. I even have a fancy new word. Yes, I have already chosen my new word, can you believe it?? So, what all is new for 2016? So glad you asked. Wait, you didn't want to know? Oops, sorry. Too late!

New Approach
Last year, I think I took to much of a "resolution" look on my word. Gentleness was supposed to be a way to focus on being kinder, meeker, softer, particularly with my loved ones. If I'm grading myself, I got a big fat F in that one. Although that one word was great and I did need some help in that area, I certainly didn't finish the year any gentler than when I started. I also discovered that so many times when I was trying to be "gentle" that I was letting myself be a doormat. Needless to say, that lasted all of two seconds before I blew up and stood up for myself, because a Red Bird will not be denied. This year, I realize, that my approach should not be about my gentleness or my anything. It should not be about me and how I walk through this earth and how I interact with others on it. My approach needs to be about Him and His character. Him. Not me.

New Goal
Wait a minute Red. I thought you just said this wasn't about you, but about Him? So what's with the goal? Alright before you start in on me for already losing focus and shifting my approach and screwing things up...I still have 362 363 (leap year!) days left to do that. But what good is any endeavor without a goal, lest we set adrift in the seas of complacency. Or something like that. But seriously, I do have a goal for this year. Not that I miraculously become the world's greatest journaler. That ship sailed loooooooonng ago. No, my goal is that I learn something about Him, His character, His will, and my purpose. Whew...shove me in the shallow waters, before I get too deep! But in all seriousness, I want to gain a better understanding of God and His character and personality. I want to draw nearer to Him. I want to stay the course with the challenge not just because I am stubborn, but because I am learning and seeking and changing. I think that's a goal that we could probably all stand to have on our lists.

New Method
I'm tinkering with the idea of attempting some new method for my year long study of one teeny aspect of God's character. I have yet to look up my word in my handy-dandy, bite-sized Exhaustive Concordance, so I can't say with any certainty that my word is actually (a) in the text (b) frequently recurring or (c) embedded within inspiring and motivational verses. Perhaps I will find my word is more of a theme rather than an explicit instruction or characteristic. Then again, maybe it is found 384 times (spoiler: it's not). The point is that even if my word isn't found in the Bible as often as I might like, even if I do not have a mile-long list of verses to pour over and ponder, I need to be able to learn and research.

New Choice
This year, my word choice has less to do with me, and more to do with Him. See, already making progress with the new approach. What is a characteristic of God that I want to see more, learn more, know more? Not what do I want to become or do I want to change, but what is He about and how does this word reveal Him to me?

Which brings us to this, my new word.


Intentional.

Black Hole

Lately, I have been really struggling with life. There's so many things that are just overwhelming or infuriating or mind-blowingly frustrating and I have an absurdly short fuse. With everyone. About everything.

I think about going on strike. Perhaps that will make others see me and the things that I do, only once they do not get done of course. But then I realize that were I not to do these things, it would probably bother me before it would bother anyone else. And then there'd be a boatload of stuff to do all at once and it would pile upon me like an avalanche and smother any last bit of sanity remaining.

I am tired of being invisible.

I am tired of being ignored.

I am tired of demands.

I am tired of obligations.

I am tired of expectations.

I am tired of fighting.

I am tired of correcting.

I am tired of serving.

I am tired of trying to stay calm.

I am tired of losing my temper.

I am tired of everything.

Sometimes, I feel like this must be how God feels about this mess of humanity and how we treat (or don't treat) Him. But that would be assigning a limit to God and His grace, His compassion, His mercy, His love, and His goodness. Boy, wouldn't He be justified in His feeling every single thing on this list. Forget with all of humanity...I alone can elicit all of these without adding six billion other imperfect, selfish beings into the mix.

I sometimes look at myself, my behaviors, my neuroses and psychoses, my reactions and overreactions, and I just marvel at how I am still here. God is so much kinder, so much greater, so much gentler than I. Were it my little Chickadee or Mockingbird behaving like this, I can only imagine the wrath I would be heaping upon them.

Maybe He's trying to call to me through this less than beautiful time in my life. Maybe He's trying to pull me closer to Him when I feel more alone and more worthless than ever before. Maybe He's trying to tell me how much He thinks I am worth.

Maybe I should start listening to Him, instead of listening to the noise around me.

Prautes or Epieikes?

I'm ready to get down to business with my new project. Let's get it on, let's rock this studying, journaling, meditating and devotionaling. Yeah, I just made that word up. Expect it to be among the new words in the OED in a couple of years. Just remember, you saw it here first.

With a renewed sense of determination and conviction, I sit at the computer with pen, paper, and Bible in hand. Flipping to a short list of verses pertaining to the One Word, James 3:13 for some reason stands out. "Perfect," I think to myself. "Let me see what James has to say. I love James. He is so blunt and there's so much meat to his short little book." Turning in my trusty Bible, the one I got early in my walk with Jesus, I find the verse:

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

Huh. Where's the gentleness? It's not there. Or is it?

So I do something which is totally out of character for me. I look to find what the original word in its original language was. [I have never really done this before, which is ironic given my love of languages, but I am nothing if not a paradoxical creature.] First, I mistakenly assume that James wrote his epistle in Hebrew, and find the Hebrew word for gentleness. Suddenly, it dawns on me that he may not have written in Hebrew, but perhaps Greek. So a quick search confirms that I need to find the Greek word in this verse.

Prautes

What is that? A little more digging, and I discover that the word I have chose to work on, to use to draw nearer to God, the upon which to meditate and center my life over the next year, this word I have spent such time praying to appear, agonizing over its rightness in my life and in God's vision, this word of words.  All I can say is that I had a Princess Bride moment.

That's right folks, the word prautes doesn't actually have a direct English equivalent. So it doesn't actually mean gentleness. It's nearest approximation is gentleness. Apparently, it is some sort of untranslatable metaphysical state, much like umami of Japanese, ennui of French, saudade of Portuguese. William Barclay writes that it is "the quality of the person whose feelings and emotions are under perfect control." An ancient Greek philosopher, Andronicus Rhodius says it may be defined as " serenity and the power, not to be led away by emotion, but to control emotion as right reason dictates." Cue the Marty McFly moment.

What do I do? I go to my key verse for the project to find out what its original Greek says. 

Epieikes

So what does it mean anyway? According to Strong's Concordance, it is equitable, yielding, gentle, mild, forbearing, reasonable or moderate. I'm not entirely sure that I like the sound of this any better. I do the next most logical thing. I look up what exactly all the dictionaries around the interwebs say that gentleness  actually means.

Amiable. Not severe, rough, or violent. Moderate. Gradual. Respectable. Mildness of disposition.

So I guess epieikes does fit after all. I think that's the kind of gentleness I was after when I selected this word and began this quest. Perhaps I'll file away prautes for another year when I'm feeling a little more ambitious. Although I must say, I really do love the term and the idea of achieving that perfect balance. That precise mental state of being where you can unleash some righteous indignation on the wicked, to be so in control of one's own emotions that the right reasons dictate the appropriate emotional response in lieu of being controlled by one's emotions. To flip the tables in the Temple, or remain calm and silent in face of false accusations and ridicule.

Perhaps I do want that kind of gentleness after all. 

And the Winner Is...

Gentleness. The quality or state of being gentle, well-born, mild, benevolent, docile, etc; gentility; softness of manners, disposition, etc.; mildness.

So, why did I pick this word?

Well, to make a long story short, I have a horrendously awful temper. There's weeping and gnashing of teeth, hell-fire and brimstone, the works. To go along with such an awesomely desirable character trait </sarcasm font/> I spent my formative years in the northeast, where obscenities are an art-form.

I've worked very hard over the years to try to clean up my mouth, reign in the temper, and put away the boxing gloves. I fought the good fight, and thought I had really grown and conquered my demons. Little did I know, it was just like the enemy himself. He was laying in wait, making sure to pounce at my weakest moment and coming back worse than before.

Once my oldest child hit the magical age of 3, all metaphorical hell broke loose. With a threenaged drama queen and a newly mobile mischief-filled little fella, life got crazy, sleep got short, and patience was in short supply. So instead of falling back onto my faith or the tips and tricks that helped in the past, the past reared its giant, ugly, nasty, harsh, hateful head. And directed it at pretty much everyone nearby, particularly my kids.

My little Chickadee has been struggling lately at school. She's a brilliant child, and doing exceptional work in her class, but her behavior has been abysmal. The biggest problem is that she is expressing herself, well, just like I do. She's lashing out, pushing, hitting, kicking, the works. Recently, she horse-collared a classmate on the playground and it was not a pretty sight. Circulation was cut off, faces were turning blue, screams were curdling blood--not just typical kid stuff, but major issues here.

I realized that I speak so harshly, particularly to her, and that she probably doesn't hear me speak gently, lovingly, softly, or kindly very often. She is mimicking my behavior patterns, my speech patterns, and my impulsiveness. These are not things that I want for her. I want her to be a loving, gentle, sweet spirited child, not a harsh, bitter, grouchy and mean kid like I was. Like the adult I have become.

So I felt the need to focus on God's gentleness and humble spirit during this year. To focus on being gentle, and responding with gentleness, humility, meekness and love instead of rage and wrath. Gentle and Gentleness are all over the Bible. I've found a number of great versus to meditate on and infuse into my daily routine to try to keep me centered on God's truth.

Philippians 4:5 "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

1 Corinthians 4:21 "Shall I come at you with a rod, or in love with a spirit of gentleness?"

Proverbs 15:4 "A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit."

Colossians 3:12 "Therefore, as God's chosen people, hold and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."

1 Timothy 6:11 "But you, man of God, flee from all this and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness."

1 Peter 3:15 "But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."

James 3:13 "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by his good conduct that his deeds are done in gentleness of wisdom."

What if I Choose the WRONG One Word?

It is so difficult to select just one word which will serve as my year-long focus! Naming this focus feels akin to naming a child!

What if I pick the wrong thing and this year's events really grow me in a whole different area and take me in a whole different direction?

So what? What if? Does it really matter if my growth isn't the way I expect it? Does it matter if my word ends up meaning something different in the end? If the definition changes? If I meant it as the first-listed definition from the dictionary, but it ends up being the fourth?

Not at all.

In fact, I suspect regardless of my One Word and my vision of my year and growth process, it will not go according to my plan or desire. Rather, I pray that it will not. Because my way has been proven to be quite lousy! Especially when compared to God's way! His vision is so much greater, His wisdom perfect. And He knows where He wants me, when, how, and why. And He knows what is going to happen this year. He knows the events ahead of me, and He knows what tools I will need in order to handle the situation. He knows where He is taking me, and He knows what He wants to teach me before I get there. I just have to follow His lead.

Besides, I imagine if I pick the "wrong" word, God will let me know. First with His loving, gentle nudges. Then with giant arrows. And, when if necessary, with rude awakenings. Definitely rude awakenings. I'm a heavy sleeper. It can take a lot to get my attention.

I am so oddly excited and energized at the challenge of having one singular focus for an entire year. God has something tremendous in store for me. All I have to do is follow His lead. No matter where this path takes me, it will be transformative!